Child Capture Ltd.

New craze sweeps the UK: Child Capture!

According to figures released today by leading child protection pressure group MAAAOBC (Mothers Against the Abduction Of Blonde Children), over 10,000 children are stolen in the UK every day. Experts predict by 2050 there will be no children left in the UK. In the US where child abduction is much more prevolent only 1 in 10 children survive the first 20 years of their lives with their biological parents.

Child capture, began in the UK as a harmless hobby amongst the poor and disfigured in the early 1990s; a hobby no more, the practice has grown and now affects 6 in 10 intelligent and moderately well off UK children. Devastating statistics.

It is hard to pinpoint the average profile of a “child catcher”, however child capture specialist Vanessa Weltz from 24hour TV show “WatchChild” describes them as “Generally in the early fifties, normally with a history in showbusiness”. Head illustrator the UK’s current leading child abduction newspaper “The Daily Catch” sent us this rough sketch:

It is believed these child pirates sell our children on the black market to work as school dinner ladies and administrators in New Zealand; a country starved of young people and poor people to do menial jobs. Some have been found working as young as 16.

Something must be done to protect our blonde haired children from working long hours for little pay! Only this morning reports claim twenty children were abducted from a private school in central London. What seems perfectly clear is our children are never safe. anywhere.

You can do your bit, donate to the thousands of television and newspapers dedicated solely to reporting news on stolen blonde children, lobby the government for the permanent tagging of all children – and most important of all; keep your children in physical contact with you at all times.

LETS MAKE THE CAPTURE OF INTELLIGENT MODERATELY WELL OFF WHITE BLONDE CHILDREN HISTORY

Dressage

Looking good on a horse.

The multitude of singing competitions on the television, a nationwide obsession – nay dependence on others ability to tunefully talk. Humans put effort, fuel and lots of money into this dependence for a big visual, low audial production of the drug ( the production levels of the music normally the same as a Sunday pub covers band). But for one-hour every saturday early evening the get their hit – they transcend into bliss, forget their varicose veins and poor money managing skills – they’re tripping balls. Unfortunately the hit only lasts for around an hour or so, after which the drug seeps out of their system and the user descends back into reality.

But is the drug worth it? Couldn’t these users be putting their time into something more constructive than hanging around infront of TVs waiting for their next singing fix. And the drug has many consequences: nausea, dizziness, sickness, dissatisfaction with life, inability to imagine, inability to perceive the abstract, a general unwillingness to succeed, a neccessary conformity to rules. And it effects more and more children each year. The only remedies seem to be LSD, Books, and Nudity.

Surely if we diverted all the attention and money that goes into singing television programmes and Dressage towards universal justice and happiness – we’d create the greatest happiness ever.

And if we’re going to have Dressage – can we have some passion. To slightly steal from Mr Bill Hicks, I want my dressage competitors “to fucking rock!”. When did absolute mediocrity and conformity become ‘talent’ and ‘pushing yourself to the extreme’? Why aren’t we addicted to watching those who fuck things up – they’re the ones developing human understanding.

Holiday competitions, health problems, arbitrary politics, singing contests, judging the burberry’d, holiday competitions. What does it take to stop this cycle of mediocrity? How much nudity, books and lsd will it take!?

The biggest problem with this medicrioty, I find, is that it dwells recessive, stagnates and manifests itself into hate. Coffee shops beam hate – cappuccinos and hate seem to be perfect together. Once we settle for our latte and mediocrity, we forget to educate ourselves and try find the easiest and simplest way to explain why things are so mediocre – this is often hateful.

This morning of GMTV Eamonn Holmes questions the practices of multi-million pound corporations who enslave millions worldwide and create utter misery, Fiona’s on the couch with the working class discussing unity against oppressive government tactics, and roaming reporter Keith Chegwin’s out in Bradford celebrating multiculturalism.